Today we got into it, just like any other day except for the fact that you were drunk and more verbally abusive than normal. During the day, we had a heart to heart in which I thought you were being sincere. You told me you feel so bad about yourself for being such a disappointment all of your life which is why you turn to beer Which deep down, I know is just part of the pity party you throw yourself daily. I told you that everyone that you have disappointed throughout your life doesn't give a shit anymore because they are out there living their lives, the ones you are disappointing the most are your kids and I. You were speechless, so I thought we had some sort of a breakthrough. As the night went on, I watched a movie with my little ones, eventually falling asleep on the couch while you sat in front of the house and drank maybe 8 bottles of beer and half of a bottle of wine. When you decided you wanted more, you woke me up out of a dead sleep trying to convince me about how if I gave you the money for one more bottle of wine it would help you break the habit, and whatever other bullshit you spewed as I was half asleep, I didn't fully awaken until you said under your breath as you walked away that you were going to sell my $800 camera for $100. You know my camera is my favorite thing and that I love taking pictures, you are so mean spirited. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my camera case and faced you with a "wtf is wrong with you" as expected, you started to throw your insults left and right but what stayed in my mind this evening was when you said "No one understands why you're with me and its because you don't know who the fuck you are - as soon as you figure it out you're not going to be with me anymore." The last statement you made to me during this argument solidified how valuable my efforts are to break out of this abusive, mentally and physically draining relationship. Did you know that I have begun going to therapy because of the emotional damage that has been done to me by you? I'll let you know that I am steps closer to breaking the cycle with the help I am getting to recognize you for what you truly are, a broken and abusive man. Through the power of prayer and therapy, I will get through this and I will achieve a happy, safe life for my babies and I because we deserve it.
Honestly, what I am about to recount was an experience that my body withstood while my spirit floated helplessly overhead. It was the first time that I ever willingly put myself into a situation that I literally had no control over. I was 17 and I knew it all, I had just broken up for the third time with my manipulative now ex-husband; at the time we were dating. My way of getting back at the ex was to do everything that we did together but with other people – the drinking, partying and rebelling against my parents. I remember I had roped my best friend at the time into coming with me for a night that truly influenced the woman that I am today. My misery so desperately needed the company. At this point of my rebellious 17th year , I began hanging around a family member who was then and is still to this day fighting many demons of her own, we’ll call her la prima. La prima was even more disconnected from her sense of self than I was, every single weekend she’d lose herself to drugs,...
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